From my journal...
Tonight I come to you with a tender, confused, and torn heart. I know you are holding her and I know your will will be done, but father why? Why the pain? Why the torture? Why must she suffer so long and hard before you take her home?
I want so badly for her to be with you. I want her to be perfect in you. Whole. I want your face to be revealed to her. I want her to know what it’s like to hold the creator of the universe’s hand and know that she’s perfect. I want this so bad. But tonight.. Tonight I am struggling. As she laid in my arms crying, trying to be ok with the news she’s been given in the past hours, I ask why? I know this is all part of your greater plan but help me to see the big picture. Her lungs have already been poisoned by cancer. She’s already endured weeks and months of torturous chemo. She’s done her share of suffering Father. And now we are told that there’s a five-inch tumor in her brain. I hate it. I hate that there’s something in there close to the size of my hand gripping and mangling away at everything left. It kills me to watch her fight it. It kills me that there’s nothing that I can do. I can see that she’s trying. I can see that she knows it’s got a hold on her. I see her struggling to get the words out but her brain just won’t let her mouth speak it. I could see the pain in her eyes when the nurse came in to quiz her and asked if she knew what day it is and she got it wrong. It breaks my heart to see her slip in and out of confusion. And all I can do Father is ask why?
I brought her some thanksgiving dinner tonight. I can tell she’s trying to be strong. While she was eating I told her how beautiful I thought she was, even in the hospital with no hair she was the most beautiful woman. I told her that I was honored to be told so often that I look like her and that we share the same name. I saw her eyes grow misty before she dropped her fork and started sobbing. Every wall and layer was peeled away and all I saw was her bleeding heart. I could do nothing but get in her hospital bed and hold her. As I rubbed her head I could not help but think about the tumor less than an inch away from my palm. I asked her if she heard from you today Father, she just shook her head no as tears rolled down her face. I told her that that was ok because you told me something to tell her. I grabbed my Bible and read her the verse I had been given earlier today. We talked some more and she asked questions about the engagement and just smiled at Brett. She told us how excited she was that she got to go home in the morning and that her sister was flying in. Conversation slowly faded away and we watched TV together while holding hands. It was like water to my soul when we would laugh together at the show. To hear her laugh.
I could tell she started to get tired and she asked if we could turn off the TV. We just looked at each other in silence and smiled and held hands for a few moments longer. I asked myself what I could possibly do to make this better. That’s when I was reminded. I was reminded that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make this all better. Only you can make this better. And even if your version of better is different than mine, it’s still you our gaze should be locked upon. I opened her Bible and read verses about peace and strength to her. Thank you Lord for showing me the verses to speak. I still don’t know my way around the Bible very well but I’m so thankful that you are bigger than I am. She laid with her eyes closed while I read and she nodded along and hummed in agreement. It was such a gift to see your Word working in someone’s heart right before my eyes. I could see you working in her heart and I could see on her face your peace washing over her. After reading her verses until she fell asleep I kissed her cheek and told her that I loved her. I told her that you were holding her in your arms tonight as she slept. She fell asleep with a smile on her face and your whispers in her ear tonight Father. Thank you.
I know you know this is breaking my heart. I don’t understand why but I’m trying to remember that you love her even more than I do. I know I can be forgetful of your love, strength, and the perfection of your will. I ask you how you could let this happen to her and I plead for you to have mercy on her family’s broken hearts…. But I know that you’ve already answered me. The answer is in your son.
Forgive me Lord for being so forgetful. Forgive me for losing hope for just a moment. I know you know my heart. You know this pain that I feel. You know it and you know it well because you had to let this happen to your son. You watched your innocent son be tortured and killed slowly… and you did it all to save me. You know Father. You know my heart. But without that tragedy the bigger painting would not be complete. Please hold my heart in your hands through this time Father. Help me to be comforted by the big picture even if I cannot see it. Help my heart so that I can be used by you to bring her happiness in the moments she has left Lord.
Today is thanksgiving. I am so thankful for you Father. Thank you for your mercy, thank you for your strength, thank you for your peace, your word, your love, and thank you for your son. Thank you for the cross. Thank you Father.
Even now I believe and praise you,
Heather
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